Welcome To My World

Fighting with my mom

(Source: whatshouldwecallme, via lmaogtfo)

Sometimes I feel like writing. Writing till the world ends… or maybe even write about my world ending.

You are the strongest,bravest,wisest person I know

And I miss you…

MEI T_T. </3 

/Rant

I don’t understand some teachers. They are my role models. People who I admire. But i don’t understand how you are going to just kind of talk to me in a loud voice saying ” How come you didn’t finish your final draft ” WELL… apparently you never told us that was like the DEADLINE and you DIDN’T even explain it clearly or IMPRINT in our mind that we were doing our final draft. And I dedicated my time to actually PEER edit one of the most stubbornest child in class and you expect me to say what? I didn’t do it? I forgot? I didn’t know? And make up some lame ass excuse. Well if not thats what i expected. I wanted to break down in class, because I literally love English and i try Fucking hard in that class and you just told me i didn’t finish something when i didn’t know? Whhaaaa-t ? I felt not disappointed in my teacher, but myself because i didn’t know. I felt like bursting in tears in class, but i took it till the end of class and sucked my tears in, because teacher looked pretty goddamm pissed at me too. WELL you as a teacher shouldn’t be like that. 

During swimming—— my heart raced and raced i couldn’t breath. and right then and there i realized that i needed to cry. My heart did. But i can’t cry. It’s like my heart had a cramp. I can’t i want to but i can’t. 

Taking one breath at a time.

Spinning out of my mind!

You bring me into a collision; with my heart and mind. The cliche thought ” I can never be with you “ Lingers  in my mind. Nights I spent thinking of you. Statements, just wait a little longer, they stab at my desire to think of you. Seeing you makes me tense. The little voice inside me says “See he’s not into you, now don’t fall for him ” Killing my self-esteem and confidence when I’m around you. You see, I’m not the girl who thinks of love anymore . But with you around it makes it harder for me and my heart. I say, STOP before I fall. Why do you have to get all the girls hovering over you like flies. I don’t have enough motivation to fight against them. Why do you have to be so mad, yet when you’re mad it just makes me want to hug you. Blech to mushy. Yes you make me mushy and corny. Now do you see what you’ve done to me? I try not to think of you at night. But the thought ” I wonder how it will be like if we went out” Oh gee. I’m spinning out of my mind. Stay away from me. All of your characteristics are to perfect. I first fell for your flaws—- which is ironic; cause I thought it was cute. 

Please, don’t let me fall for you. I don’t think I can take the word Like or even loveanymore 

It hurts

Thats what she said

When she needs you.

A little Bit of sadness Alittle bit of Change

Today i spoke. I vented, from the heart. I don’t usually do this often. Only to either adults i trust or Mei. 

It hurts. So much seeing my life from this point of view. Hurts knowing that fate has changed it’s course on me and went haywire. I always wish and always want for freedom and a life. 

My mind works so hard. It thinks and thinks of what to say, how to say it, what to do, what to feel, judgements of the suituation, judgments of everyone. Thinking of so many things. My mind is going to explode. Yet i cannot live without thinking of these things. All these things that makes us humans. All of these things that make us unique. Are all torn down by society. Ripped off by their bare hands. And then wiring our own minds a certain way. Whether it’s bad or not. 

My mom always yelled at me. Straight on face to face. Where she can’t even battle against amanda’s baddass attitude

… I can’t.

The heart of my Family.

These are just words i cannot explain. Everyday it’s like we are evaded by each others emotions. Saying. We aren’t here because we want to, but that we are here because that’s what a family is suppose to do. I want to say everything is my fault. I want to say oh i can always do better, just so my parents wont argue anymore. If  only it was that easy. If only my parents didn’t have to be so distant, so loud, so judgmental, so insecure, so stupid. Arguing and yelling taking sides. Whose good and whose bad. Their design of a parent isn’t someone who is caring, who makes them their idol for their children. They depend on natural events that go on in our lives and give us a long lecture. And expect us to follow as if that was like American law. Because it’s in our genes that we are good listeners. That we are caring. That we know what’s right from wrong so far. 

I never had a role model in my life. Living my life with just one goal. To make my parents happy. Because day by day. I see my family breaking apart. I see what makes us different puzzle pieces that go in a different puzzle. My conscious is speaking to me. It’s telling me do something, before your family breaks apart. Like last time. 

I don’t usually mind my parents arguing. But this time it’s different.

Scenario:

     
    Angela is crying in her bed.

My mom yells and says: GET UP. 

     Angela gets up with a bit of tears in her eyes

Mom still yelling: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING? 

       Not giving Angela time to speak continues

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT I WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE? WHY ARE YOU CRYING? WHY? 

Angela kinda annoyed because my mother just yelled at her yells back at her: THEY LOST MY STUFF. 

Mom still yelling: WHAT STUFF ? WHAT STUFF DID THEY LOOSE THAT WAS SO IMPORTANT ?

Angela yells back: THOSE STUFF . pointing to her left

Mom yelling: WHAT ARE THEY?

Angela yells back: THOSE STUFF . pointing to her left

Mom yelling: WHAT ARE THEY? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET IT GO SINCE THEY ARE KIDS? 

      Dad enters mad because they were so loud 

Dad: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS YELLING ABOUT? 

Mom: ANGELA’S crying Laughs

      Angela also laughs

         Dad confused

Dad: WHY ARE YOU GUYS YELLING SO LOUD THEN?

Mom: WHY ARE YOU HERE? YOU ALWAYS COME IN AND MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE THE GOOD GUY WHILE I’M HERE BEING PORTRAYED AS THE BAD GUY. IS IT JUST LIKE LAST TIME WHEN THE POLICE CAME ?

     Dad blubbers some more words and walks away

Times like this i wish i can runaway. It’s like in our souls there is fire. And once they add more oil they burst into flames. It’s always been like this. I guess it just gotten worst.

I like you.

I have someone i like. It feels nice to feel your heart beat again. To feel the image of that person pop up randomly. 

Don’t you too ?